Useless Products You Never Knew You Needed

By Gregory D. Luce on February 16, 2020 — 1 min read

On days when we are not thinking up questions for which we do not seek answers, my son August and I develop useless products. These are items that have such remote functionality and such extreme expense as to be rendered practically if not entirely useless and absurd. We have a long list of items already in production, and some products remain undeveloped and in our heads merely as concepts (“Water Toast®” is our best and finest example).

Here’s Part One of our endless series of Useless Products You Never Knew You Needed. Illustrations by August, descriptions by both of us.

Sandwich Balls®

Sandwich Balls® are highly compressed food products that are ball-like. They are fully functional and complete sandwiches compressed into mobile-friendly balls the size of large kumquats. Pop a Sandwich Ball® into your mouth and lunch becomes an uncomfortable bready lozenge to suck on or chew. Better yet, roll one across the table or down the hall to share with a friend. It’s a donut hole, not yet fully evolved.


Don’t like malic and tartaric acids mixed with sodium bicarbonate? Is caustic brine not your desired mouth feel for candy? The Zotzgütter® will remove the inside of a Zotz, sometimes without harming the protective outer shell. It then stores the malic and tartaric acids for later use, though no such uses have been found. Pro tip: pronounced “zahts /goo/ ter.”

Stay tuned for more, including the LoafDigger®, an Anti-Gravity Blanket®, and a fully functional Waterproof Towel.